notes of nonsense #122: things i fear most

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Smile - Charlie Chaplin

but terasa nak letak lagu Liyana Fizi - Light Writing dlm post ni. suits my moods more kott. ekceli, rasa sebak. sebab tengok orang da kahwin. yes, imma silent stalker. guwa kenal dia, tapi guwa tak pernah bercakap dengan dia, tak pernah tegur sapa, but i care. as a friend.

ekceli guwa takut. takut apa yang ada di depan mata guwa, were not meant for me in my future. i'm afraid i will commit to wrong person, submit my time to wrong person, exposing my heart to wrong person. guwa takut. guwa takut apa yang guwa pilih akan menjadi sia sia. sebab guwa tengok depan mata guwa sendiri, couple 8 tahun. planning nak kahwin dengan orang yang dia pilih since 8 tahun lepas but in the end, turned to be, 8 years of their relationship was meaningless. and she married someone else recently.

and ada sorang distant friend guwa (*distant ke? entah. tinggal sama sama but we seldom talk. ohh lupa. guwa kan silent stalker. :P). oke berbalik kepada issue distant friend guwa, she married when we were in sem 3. guwa ingat lagi, masa tu guwa baru balik final exam sem 3 and she's baru nak pergi exam, she's wearing cream colored kebaya which i guessed was her baju nikah, which inai still merah dekat jari and she shone beautifully. like butterfly's wings flicked by sunshine in spring morning after rain. guwa envy, guwa rasa sangat, errr jealous. i'm envy of her happiness. yelah, dia cerita dia kenal suami dia 3 months, and then terus kahwin. sweet aite? but then, recently masa guwa mula mula start sem 5 aritu, faculty mate guwa datang bagitaw, she was ex-classmate of my distant friend that went for that sweet early marriage, yang sebenarnya, that distan tfriend, da cerai. guwa terkejut beruk. beruk ponn tak terkejut macam guwa. err. sumpah speechless. i was like, blur sekejap.  idk betul ke tak cerita tuu. and if betul ponn, malas laa komen. bukan guwa terlibat ponn kann. kang jadi berdosa lak.

from that incident then i was like.. why why why? sedangkan dia yang bercinta, berkahwin, da rasa alam rumahtangga ponn boleh bercerai, apa lagi me yang just a puny relationship. orang berkahwin, dilanda bah, terus berpisah. guwa wonder how it will be going with me? mampu ke guwa bertahan? sedangkan bukan ada ties ponn yang bound guwa untuk commit to that one single person that i put so close to my heart?

yes, perancangan Allah adalah yang terbaik. kalau ada jodoh tak kemana, kalau takde jodoh mungkin akan ada yang lebih baik. i know. apa yang guwa risaukan is, how strong i will bounce back to face the reality. i'll fall, hard. and i think it will take time for me to recover back. i'm so scared. what should i do? ottoke..