notes of nonsense #103: i don't have any heart left

seriously, i need a counselor. i need space and time for myself. do let me to be alone. i've been hurt, wounded, torn apart. sometimes, it made me the tough chick. sometimes it made me be me. but sometimes, at certain times, all the memories that i've tried to drown inside my, just popped and resurfaced. and there's when i'm torn, fragile. like a bullet made of glass. wounded others, and at the same time, be broken itself.

torn to pieces. shattered. crumpled. don't ask why i can't start loving and caring for people. i've lost my heart long ago. fear of being hurt had made me crippled. i wasn't the same Fara as you knew me before. and you can't treat me as the same Fara today. i've changed. from the long period of me waiting you, some heartbrokes in the middle, some mistakes in between the times, some pains, stitches, cuts.

i've lost my heart. and i'm losing my mind too. Allah, help me. i'm no one without you.  :'(

notes of nonsense #101: nightmare

ekceli, kebelakangan ni guwa selalu mimpi lu, LeeLee. even guwa busy nak mati ponn, still guwa teringat lu gak. juz aritu satu hari guwa busy sangat, ada test. tidoq lewat. rasanya da basuh kaki, pakai bedak sejuk semua. then guwa dapat mimpi pasal lu. i woke up, crying. wailing. chanting your name. chanting prayers for your safety.

i had a nightmare. about you. you involved in serious accident. you were paralyzed from hips below. you lost your ability to speak. swollen face. and i come to visit you. there's no one taking care of you. you were alone. waiting. dissolves in stabbing pain. and i sit there beside you. silence. you only stare at me. can't speak. but i understand. you want me to be there. i know. and i'm the one taking care of you for the rest of your life. you wanted me to move on, leaving you. but nevertheless, i keep hold of you. till the last breath of yours.

i woke up, sweating, crying, chanting prayers for your safety. till now, i still can't get rid of that dream from my mind. LeeLee, anywhere you are, do take care. i can't take care of you anymore, i leave you in Allah's shelter. only He who knows what is hidden. :')

notes of nonsense #100: suka awak

kalau suka cakap suka. guwa tak paham hint hint ni. guwa slow sikit bab bab implied meaning ni. sebab tuu kott subjek BEL memanjang dapat B. haha. anyway, kalau suka, cakap setepek terus ke muka guwa ye? guwa memang tak reti baca sign language ni. kahkah.