notes of nonsense #126: persoalan eksistensialis dalam diri

assalam. hai. lama tak menaip. sebab guwa da lama takde laptop and hidup guwa totally dependant on tab semata mata. tak tahu kenapa guwa start menulis semula. padahal tak best kott menulis pakai tab. sakit kepala tahu?

haha. sebenarnya guwa da nak mansuhkan aje blog sampah ni. eh ingat akta hasutan je ke yg nak kena mansuh? blog ni pun bole jugak. haha. tapi since 3, 4 hari ni guwa agak serabut otak, so tu sebabnya guwa menulis semula.

guwa ada satu persoalan. kau sayangkan seseorang ni. terlalu sayang bagai nak gila. but on one incident, you makes him so mad and he left. you and him didn't talk for years. removed from friendlist fb, request friends pun ignored. then sampai satu tahap, kau rasa pasrah je pada takdir. kau biarkan saje takdir yg tentukan destiny korang walaupun hati korang sumpah tersiat. you distanced yourselves from each other, on reason yg korang nak tanamkan rasa benci dlm diri korang but the moment of truth is, korang sebenarnya berharap yg korang berdua menjalani hubungan tu mcm biasa, macam dulu. berjoli katak malam malam kat chow kit tengok mat rempit and belen, share snack plate makan berdua, baring kat kfc sambil selfie depan webcam, berlaga kepala dekat eskalator time square, acah acah tiger dance dalam ktm. you know, do things that makes you happy, makes you alive, makes you, the real you. orang yg sayangkan kau, who loves you before you had everything, who loves you for simply being you. who show you sunshine when all you had left is only shadows this one people, who so believe in you that you started to believe in yourself again.

guwa ada sorang ni. that makes me feel that way. dlm byk2 person dlm hidup aku, dia laa aku punya archilles heels, dan juga kekuatan aku. satu satunya insan yg aku tak boleh pandang tepat pada mata, yg guwa jd speechless bila berkata, yg sentiasa buat aku rasa hidup dlm ertikata sebenar. no hypocritsy, selfless, immense. even buat benda simple dgn dia, melepak dkt mamak minum milo ais and makan roti telur, aku rasa, bahagia sgt2. dia satu satunya orang yg boleh buat my heart sings when i'm with him.

aku sendiri sebenarnya tak faham dgn relationship ni. cuma aku harap, ia takkan berakhir. aku sendir pun takley nak name what type of relationship that we had at this time. yg penting, apa yg aku rasa, saya sayang awak bagai nak gila. i thought i already removed you in my life, tapi ekceli, tolak semua ego dan super ego aku, kau adalah id aku. dan kaulah kunci id aku. let us be honest. aku berkawan dgn ramai org. but sebenarnya org yg terpilih rapat dgn aku, mesti ada karekteristik kau here and there. mata, cara jalan, rambut, the way he smiles, suara, etc etc.

aku taktaw apa rasa kau pada aku, tp apa yg aku rasa pd kau is, you makes me happy beyond everything and anything. you makes me feel alive. dengan kau, aku boleh jadi Fara, yg suka pakai skinny dgn shirt dan sneakers. yg suka lawan cakap, yg suka tergolek terbalik dlm ktm, yg mulut murai and forever suka mendera kau. haha. dgn kau adalah saat aku tak hipokrit, tak cuba berlakon utk jadi org lain. aku tak payah ubah apa apa pun dgn kau.takpayah nakpakai dress, nak ckp slow slow bagai. haha. awak stu je manusia yg boleh buat sy bercakap dlm tone menjerit. excited nye pasal.

awak, i'm so attached to you, sub-consciously. yes, saya ada lima golden rules of buaya-ism. camne nak repel people. golden rules yg selama ni sy praktis as defence mechanism sy supaya sy tak attach emotionally dgn sesiapa. tp dgn awk, my golden rules is rubbish. because here, deepest part of my heart, you're already tattooed there. sy jd buaya, ramai crush here and there, semata mata sbb nak fulfill gap yg awk tinggalkan dlm sini. i tried years after years to replace you, jd org lain, but you still there. irreplaceable.

bila jadi buaya, kenal macam macam jenis orang, sy jd lost dgn golden rules yg sy cipta sendiri. sy jadi taktaw apa yg sy nak. oh that guy there, comel. ada iras awk pd rambut. oh that dude here,wow mata sepet like you. nampak tak sy da letakkan awk as characteristic dm sy berkawan dgn org?

i've put sentimental value on people. and that value is you. and here i am. lost. mencari awak. menidakkan awak. i want you, but i'm not gonna say that i want you.cause i fear that you will reject me. again and again. yes, ni perasaan paling bangang dan celaka sekali. my golden rules is destroying me. aku lost sbb banyak sgt deny attachment aku pd kau.

haha. padan muka aku. losing you, losing myself, jd buaya tanpa arah tuju. greed is good. but it is you that i want but can't get. haha. sy sayang awak bagai nak gila. then, now always. did you feel the same about me?

"now tell me, kita berdua ni sama je kan? kita berdua tak tahu apa yg kita nak,"

"hmm, we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. running at the same old ground, and what have we found? same old fear."

kau nak. dia nak. tapi kau dan dia takut utk ambil peluang. takut pd circumstances yg mendatang. arghh ni adalah perasaan paling celaka pernah aku rasa setakat ini.